Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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