Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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