don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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