I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
