So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
