Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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