I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
