Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
