I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
