How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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