I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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