everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
