I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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