I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My ass is underappreciated
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
