Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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