i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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