Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
