I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
