Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
