Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
