your room smells of hookers.
And success
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
being pregnant is like rehab
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Randomize
