I hate all girls vehemently.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
