Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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