I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
zippers are such a cool invention
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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