i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
