Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
