How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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