Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
