I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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