I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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