Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
