Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
