the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
