I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
