I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
