So drunk its hurt
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
