That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
