Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think i have two assholes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
