you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
