I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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