My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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