I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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