Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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