'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
