I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
