Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
