Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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