Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
