Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
