it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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