In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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