this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
