Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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