I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
