I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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