I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
