Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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