Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
