just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
