would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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