god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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