I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
