she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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