my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
