just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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