Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Vodka?
Forever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
