my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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