I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
operation have a gay friend backfired
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
